Wednesday, January 9, 2013

My 10 Worst Mainstream Hindi Movies of 2012

Almost everyone around puts out a list of 10 Best Films of the year, and so did I, over here. The response was very good so I went ahead and put a compilation of My Best Performances and Music Albums of 2012 here. But beyond the shining stars and the shimmering craft, lie heaps of garbage that, not just Bollywood, but any film industry produces. Here, we try to look back at that garbage that constantly amuses us week after week and the filmmakers whose products contribute to a continuous regression of Indian cinema. Yep, 10 Worst Mainstream Hindi Movies of 2012.

When I sat down to enlist my top 10 in this category, it turned out to be a ridiculous affair, mostly because I could find so many that deserve to be in the list. But then I decided to narrow down the approach. The movies considered for this list are not only mainstream hindi, but also the ones that were marketed well, received a proper release and were mostly star vehicles. It is impossible to make this list if I am considering movies like Ab Hoga Dharna Unlimited or Cigarette Ki Tarah in this category, because not only were they outrageously bad, but they did not even get a proper release or marketing. So here we go with the Hall of Shame -

10. Joker

Shirish Kunder's multi-crore dream project, Joker, was undoubtedly the most talked about failure of 2012, becoming the butt of all jokes, literally. Mostly everyone in the cast and crew bailed out on Kunder right upto its release due to 'creative differences', including Akshay Kumar. UTV drowned their sorrows a month before release, sitting put in the wake of a washout. A half-baked product has now forced Kunder to go back to Editing now. 

9. Tezz

There can be nothing right about Priyadarshan making a thriller and Ajay Devgn showing his teeth. Add to that, a clinically altered Kangana Ranaut, a hairy Anil Kapoor, an ugly Sameera Reddy and an actor beyond redemption Zayed Khan. Poor Boman Irani and Mohanlal were stuck in a film that just didnt seem to move anywhere, only adding to the shameful quotient of the year.

8. Rowdy Rathore

Third highest money grosser of the year, Akshay Kumar's Rowdy Rathore proudly permeated unadulterated abhorrent mustiness. With Hindi being the 5th language this film was made in, there was nothing much left to see anyway, except fora  brand of shlocky silliness which has been served to us again and again and we still seem to love it. Paralytic direction, profusely topped with song and dance and a lollypop visual style apparently makes the insipid gags work.

7. Teri Meri Kahaani

Kunal Kohli's Teri Meri Kahaani, starring Shahid Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra, can be awarded the title of the most generic film of the year. Appallingly, it is set in three eras and all three episodes of this story are essentially the same. Not only did Kohli copy the Taiwanese hit, Three Times, but made it such that the original's makers would have to feel abominably shameful about themselves for being related to this one in any way. 

6. Hate Story

Touted as an adult revenge thriller, Vikram Bhatt's Hate Story was a titillation fest, more than anything else. Riding high on high dosages of unintentional hilarity, the film provided the most ludicrous moments with its lead actress, Paoli Dam, ready to drop her clothes at the bat of an eyelid. Why? Apparently it makes sense to avenge sexual assault in office by becoming a whore, of sorts. 

5. Jism 2

Pooja Bhatt's Jism 2 marked the debut of pornstar Sunny Leone, or maybe just her bosom. On the lines of Hate Story, Jism 2 went a few steps ahead to become the most unintentionally funny film of the year. A ham and sleaze (read cheese) fest, Jism 2 is burlesque towards your own sensibilities. The wafer-thin plot, cornball dialogues and clumsy direction leave Jism 2 to be nothing more than a big black hole, except that your computers will never have that big a screen with Sunny on them. 

4. Chaar Din Ki Chandni

Samir Karnik's slate is loaded with despicably shameful films, and CDKC just adds to the list. As if watching a single Tusshar Kapoor wasnt enough for us, Karnik goes ahead and casts him in a double role in this racist, homophobic and insensitive film, that doesnt make you laugh even once. CDKC is ditchwater dull, and a thoroughly offensive piece of drivel that hurts your brains and makes you puke.

3. Dangerous Ishq

It would be hard to convince any sane person to come watch a movie which has a title like Dangerous Ishq. Karisma Kapoor may have shimmied to the best numbers in 90s but to pick a Vikram Bhatt film for her comeback must have been a really desperate decision. Painful to endure, Dangerous Ishq has the secret power to make you cry horrid tears and cringe in shock and anger to get those 2.5 hours back. 

2. Department

Ram Gopal Varma's Department makes it almost to the top of this list, yet not the top. If the world ended this year, RGV would have made a film on that too, and possibly a sequel too. Once a filmmaker, RGV is now a professional crotch-cam artist with his mayhem of a film which merrily dances on the line between the completely unpleasant and the utterly distasteful, leaving you uncomfortably numb.

1. Son Of Sardaar

And finally, we have a winner. Son Of Sardaar is undoubtedly the worst film of the year. Ajay Devgn's creepy unfunny teeth, Sanju baba's smude-leaking ugly face and eye-hurting long locks, Sonakshi Sinha's bigger-than-Wankhede forehead and Earth's black hole for the story - All of these come together in all-time garbage director Ashwani Dhir's Son of Sardaar, a film that does not even provide accidental funniness. It is hard to make a film that has nothing in it, Dhir and Devgn manage to leave you with no capacity to like monkey balls or walk straight. 

Hall of Shame Honorable Mentions - Khiladi 786, Raaz 3, Players, KLPD and Chakravyuh

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